In one of my recent posts, I made a few throwaway comments about a fictitious novel concerning Jewish Marxist werewolves in Bolivia. Since I couldn’t think of anything better to post on the blog today, I’ve decided to come up with a little Infoquake giveaway contest.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and c’mon, you know you want to): write the opening lines from a bad novel about Jewish Marxist werewolves in Bolivia, and email them to me at dedelman@gmail.com. By “opening lines,” I’d say anywhere from two to six sentences, though I’m willing to be flexible on length. The person with the cheesiest, most ludicrous, most snorted-milk-through-nose-producing passage wins. The winners (and notable runners up) will be published here on the blog.
First prize: one signed, personalized copy of Infoquake. Second prize: also one signed, personalized copy of Infoquake. Contest deadline: Friday, January 19, two weeks from today, at midnight EST or thereabouts. (I mean, if you send me something at 12:02 and it blows all the others away, I’m willing to bend the rules.)
You want a sample to get you started? Fine, take this example that I’ve just cooked up:
The rain lashes my eyes and mats my fur. I can feel the bite of the branches in the forest, tearing into my skin and gnashing my yarmulke to shreds. And I think back to the immortal words of my father, imprisoned these twenty years by the capitalist pigs of Santa Cruz: When will our people be free, damn it? When will we be free? And then the fury overtakes me and I tear into the underbrush in search of wild kosher groundhog once again.
Another one? Fine, here’s one that would probably qualify as the shortest winning entry:
Call me Che “Wolfman” Goldberg.
Don’t test me, people. I could crank these things out all night. You just need to come up with one of them.
The fine print: Enter as many times as you like, but you can only win one book. Everyone who entered my previous Gimmicky Promotional Giveaway Contest is eligible for this one — yes, including the folks who won. (Although I warn you, Izyk Stewart, you’re only one contest entry away from being dragged away to a padded cell by a bunch of dudes in white coats.) I’m going to allow entries from anywhere in the world this time — but be warned that the further you are from the continental U.S., the more the postage is going to cost, and the better your entry has to be to win.
Once again, e-mail me your entries at dedelman@gmail.com. Don’t post them in the comments below.
Ready? Set? Go!
(Oh, and yes, in case you were wondering, it’s 10:45 P.M. on a Friday night, and I did in fact just spend 15 minutes Photoshopping a werewolf’s face onto a picture of a rabbi. Apologies to Rabbi Aaron Goldscheider of the Mount Kisco Hebrew Congregation in Mount Kisco, New York, whose photo happened to show up in a search for “rabbi” on Google Images. Oh yeah, and apologies to the Teenage Werewolf from some site called XOFacto too.)
Update, 1/21/07: The contest is now over, and the winners have been announced. Thanks to all who entered.