David Louis Edelman David Louis Edelman

The Jewish Marxist Werewolves in Bolivia Infoquake Giveaway

In one of my recent posts, I made a few throwaway comments about a fictitious novel concerning Jewish Marxist werewolves in Bolivia. Since I couldn’t think of anything better to post on the blog today, I’ve decided to come up with a little Infoquake giveaway contest.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and c’mon, you know you want to): write the opening lines from a bad novel about Jewish Marxist werewolves in Bolivia, and email them to me at dedelman@gmail.com. By “opening lines,” I’d say anywhere from two to six sentences, though I’m willing to be flexible on length. The person with the cheesiest, most ludicrous, most snorted-milk-through-nose-producing passage wins. The winners (and notable runners up) will be published here on the blog.

Jewish werewolf with yarmulke reading the Torah

First prize: one signed, personalized copy of Infoquake. Second prize: also one signed, personalized copy of Infoquake. Contest deadline: Friday, January 19, two weeks from today, at midnight EST or thereabouts. (I mean, if you send me something at 12:02 and it blows all the others away, I’m willing to bend the rules.)

You want a sample to get you started? Fine, take this example that I’ve just cooked up:

The rain lashes my eyes and mats my fur. I can feel the bite of the branches in the forest, tearing into my skin and gnashing my yarmulke to shreds. And I think back to the immortal words of my father, imprisoned these twenty years by the capitalist pigs of Santa Cruz: When will our people be free, damn it? When will we be free? And then the fury overtakes me and I tear into the underbrush in search of wild kosher groundhog once again.

Another one? Fine, here’s one that would probably qualify as the shortest winning entry:

Call me Che “Wolfman” Goldberg.

Don’t test me, people. I could crank these things out all night. You just need to come up with one of them.

The fine print: Enter as many times as you like, but you can only win one book. Everyone who entered my previous Gimmicky Promotional Giveaway Contest is eligible for this one — yes, including the folks who won. (Although I warn you, Izyk Stewart, you’re only one contest entry away from being dragged away to a padded cell by a bunch of dudes in white coats.) I’m going to allow entries from anywhere in the world this time — but be warned that the further you are from the continental U.S., the more the postage is going to cost, and the better your entry has to be to win.

Once again, e-mail me your entries at dedelman@gmail.com. Don’t post them in the comments below.

Ready? Set? Go!

(Oh, and yes, in case you were wondering, it’s 10:45 P.M. on a Friday night, and I did in fact just spend 15 minutes Photoshopping a werewolf’s face onto a picture of a rabbi. Apologies to Rabbi Aaron Goldscheider of the Mount Kisco Hebrew Congregation in Mount Kisco, New York, whose photo happened to show up in a search for “rabbi” on Google Images. Oh yeah, and apologies to the Teenage Werewolf from some site called XOFacto too.)

Update, 1/21/07: The contest is now over, and the winners have been announced. Thanks to all who entered.

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  1. […] reminder before we get underway: my Jewish Marxist Werewolves in Bolivia Infoquake giveaway contest is still open! Deadline is this Friday, and lots of opportunity for you — yes, you — to […]

  2. […] received several great entries for this contest to win a signed copy of Infoquake. It was actually quite difficult to choose the winners, since […]

  3. kifkef on September 7, 2007 at 7:34 pm  Chain link

    SHAME ON YOU! jew’s are HUMANS just like everybody else

    shame on you.

  4. David Louis Edelman on September 7, 2007 at 7:38 pm  Chain link

    Are you really offended by this? It’s a joke. I’m a Jew, for Pete’s sake.

  5. omer on September 11, 2007 at 7:38 am  Chain link

    you fucker bech i am a Jewish and i prove theth you can onli to suck my dick and your mom to fucker my dream is to kech peple like you ..bech

  6. 6r on September 11, 2007 at 7:57 am  Chain link

    I dont think you (David Louis Edelman) jewish we dont llaugh about things like this….

    We lost more then 6,000,000 people for nothing they said we are beast ,they said we are ugly , they said we are stupid they said every thing to people start hate and murder us i dont know if you realy jew or not but present us (in the picutre) like evil people that their holy book is evil himself and that fucking not funny….

    I think you should clear up what you mean delete this pic and to apologize to people like me that every time they see this things they remember in the huge holocaust…. (if its realy a joke)

  7. David Louis Edelman on September 11, 2007 at 10:09 am  Chain link

    Here are a few true statements. 1) I am indeed of Jewish descent — two Jewish parents, four Jewish grandparents — although I’m not a believer. 2) The Holocaust was a horrible, terrible tragedy that should never be repeated. 3) Jewish people do not, in fact, look like werewolves. 4) I’m not taking that fucking picture down off my blog.

    I’m sorry if you’re offended by it. I’m sorry if some anti-Semitic piece of shit wants to take that photo out of context and use it for propaganda purposes. But there’s nothing I can do to prevent that. All it takes to create your own Jewish werewolf is a copy of Photoshop and a web browser. I suppose it would be one thing if the photo was playing on real offensive stereotypes (big noses, bloody Matzoh, horns, etc.). But this photo is so obviously a joke to anyone in the United States that taking it down because someone somewhere finds it offensive would be ludicrous.

    Feel free to contact the Mount Kisco Hebrew Congregation, whose rabbi I used for this image. If they find the image offensive, I’ll reconsider. Or at the very least, I’ll find another rabbi to use as a model for the photo.

  8. wtf on September 11, 2007 at 11:02 am  Chain link

    Listen to me carefully you little cock sucker, you will take this picture down I don’t even care if its a joke or not. This is very offensive and you speaking high language saying “I’m sorry if you’re offended by this, and I’m sorry for fucking my grandmother and getting her pregnant” we just don’t give a fuck.

    Man your mother would flip out if she is Jewish and see this shit.

    This is very disrespectful and I am not asking, I’m demanding you to take this off!

    Got it, bitch? don’t make me take actions I prefer not to.

  9. infuction on September 11, 2007 at 11:19 am  Chain link

    I was talk with who i was need..
    He will be talk with you about this picture…
    and I hope that you know that its ilegal…

  10. RRR on September 11, 2007 at 11:27 am  Chain link

    Hi my bro i totaly support …. (wtf)

    I am jewish too if you are jewish you cant be more sensitve ?????
    From my side its look like a Neo-Nazi blog you said its a joke right ?
    well we not fucking laughing….
    And i am fucking sure that this picture will be in a Neo-Nazi sites very soon thats what you fucking want ?

    And (wtf) i totaly support do what you can .

  11. On Jewish Werewolves (David Louis Edelman’s Blog) on September 11, 2007 at 11:52 am  Chain link

    […] back in January, I posted on this blog a little contest called The Jewish Marxist Werewolves in Bolivia Infoquake Giveaway. The aim of the contest was to write the introductory paragraph to a bad fictitious novel about […]

  12. David Louis Edelman on September 11, 2007 at 11:59 am  Chain link

    Let’s dial the rhetoric back a notch here, guys. No need for threats and demands; we can talk about this like civilized people.

    I’ve just posted another blog entry about this. Why don’t we continue the discussion over there if you’re so inclined.

  13. ddd on January 26, 2008 at 10:41 am  Chain link

    you lame neo-nazi if you wan to see real monster look at the mirror

  14. james on October 27, 2009 at 8:38 am  Chain link

    well i think the jewish are terroist and wants to controll the world what happen to gaza jewish killed 1400 people so why u dont say another lie next time

  15. David Louis Edelman on October 28, 2009 at 9:49 am  Chain link

    New rule. If you want me to try to take offense at your idiotic comments, they at least have to be intelligible.

  16. American on August 15, 2010 at 4:21 pm  Chain link

    6r above said: “We lost more then 6,000,000 people for nothing they said…” he better check his figures again. Poland recently revised the number to 1.1 million at Austwich, and this reduction brings the real number to just over 3 million. I also find it interesting how he thinks people died for no real reason. Yeah right. Every country of the world had no reason huh?

  17. David Louis Edelman on August 17, 2010 at 1:15 pm  Chain link

    American: Every moderately intelligent person in the world thinks you’re an idiot. Can’t be for no reason, huh?

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